By Guest Blogger Jeanette Holland

 

Hello, I am Jeanette, and ‘Warrior Queen’ came about well sort of by chance, but not really.  I think it has been sitting there waiting for me to realise my potential and that when I was ready, I needed to share my story.

In 2016, I left work due to ongoing ill health both physical and mental and it was only getting worse.  After a while of leaving work I literally fell apart …. My body and my mind my world became smaller and smaller.  Throughout my years of service, I knew something was wrong and had used both mainstream and non-mainstream treatments and modalities.

Due to my military service of over 40 years, the consistent sexual harassment, abuse, bullying, verbal, professional degradation I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder.  This then led to lots and lots of tears, self-loathing and self-worth issues combined with the transition from service to civilian life.  I had no idea who I was, where I fitted in, what I was supposed to do, act, or speak.  My self-worth, values and loathing hit rock bottom as it all came up years and years of sufferance, came to the fore.  Things I had suppressed and locked away screaming out sometimes uncontrollably. Lots and lots more, and the realisation that I had not been speaking my truth and had not been true and authentic to me lead to physical illnesses. This combined with not being able to maintain relationships, family or partners also had a devastating effect on me and my life or rather non-life.  I have seen and related my military service to that of a domestic violence situation and people ask me why I stayed. I joined when I was 17yrs old I did not know any different, it was only when I left did I realise that it was not ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’. In 1992 my husband also took his own life, my young daughter and I found him, and this again added to my PTSD and the future treatment by supervisors and the military further exacerbated my emotional stability.

I finally realised that I had been living in my own head and trying to find all the answers in there…. Let me tell you that does not work at all. It has taken me years and years and lots of differing modalities to identify my own strengths, passions and the capacity to speak and speak with confidence and purpose.  It has even been harder for me to identify my own achievements and successes.

My ahh or understanding of my own old belief patterns or the why’s continue every day and I am amazed at how life presents itself when we are open.  Not just with our logical mind but when our head and heart are aligned, goodness the world and life is just such a different space.  It can hurt so very deeply but what hurts more is keeping it locked away.  The feeling that it was ‘all my fault’ that is a much worse feeling because you hold on so tight your body can’t breathe. You don’t know what is happening and it does manifest itself in illness. I have experienced this several times in my life, some most life threatening.

So, Warrior Queen for me is about speaking my truth acknowledging that what I have to say has purpose is meaningful and does matter. Each day is a new day, and my expectations of self are hugely different now, not saying that every day is a good day, but I understand now, that, that is ‘normal’.

I have an online Facebook and Instagram blog Warrior Queen Family and a registered business ‘Warrior Queen’.  This is a forum I created to have my own family of like-minded people by sharing my own stories and experiences via video.  Sharing what has worked and what continues to work for me. I also have special guests sharing their own experiences and sharing their achievements and successes, whatever that looks like for them.  I realised that now I have a voice, one that is important, one that counts and what I have to say matters.  So, I figured if I feel like this then there must be many others the same, and there is!  Another part of this is understanding our own achievements and successes because I found it difficult to acknowledge my own and really there are so many, so again if I feel like this then there must be others, and there is.

My youngest Warrior Queen is 11yrs old who I interviewed, and my eldest Warrior Queen is 72yrs old.  Age is absolutely no barrier.

 

Remember:  stay safe, stay here, much love, everything I touch turns to gold

 

Jeanette x